10 days into the vigil awaiting the return of Kolt has been a strange journey. The conversations I have had with those that knew Kolt Kitalpha longer and perhaps closer than me has been my only way of sorting out why she left. I now see a pattern, and the way that our lives in SL operate, makes it easy to vanish and yet not completely. Kolt’s done this vanishing act many times before, usually after building relationships and friends in world. Her former GF, Jynxy, saw Kolt vanish for 6 months at one point and came to find out she was sexing people on an alt that whole time. Kolt’s SL brother Pira, owner of NOMAD, said she and him had a sim and he logged in one day to find all his stuff returned and no goodbyes from Kolt. The boss lady at TransDimension, Azkadellia told me that she and Kolt were roommates on a plot of land and Kolt did a run on her as well, no goodbyes and all the things they created there had to be gathered up or lost.
The pattern is related to Kolt seeking bonds and close friends, then a sort of digital indifference kicks in. She does not perhaps make the connection that real people are on the other side of the pixels. Pira said he thought Kolt didn’t fully grasp how people felt about her. I am of a mind that she really don’t give two fucks what people think. That sounds harsh maybe, but I am reviewing all the clues that point to a person with zero fucks to give about her loved ones. Example: my friend Lisa asked Kolt one night why she would just log off without saying bye or goodnight, and Kolt responded to her ” It’s a fine line between I am done and I don’t give a fuck”.. Clue!
So, I am left with the realization that Kolt Kitalpha was perhaps never honest to me. Like a virtual gamer in a big complex game, that only she played, I got schooled by a person who had no real connection to the people she interacted with. I am a sucker for love, and when I feel it I want to explore it and grow it. You can’t when your the only one involved/engaged.
Theta Infinity said “Kolt has more alts than toes”… London Calling, another friend of mine, talked about the way her relationship of 4 years was done in by a vanishing act, and that seem’s way worse than my short 3 month time with Kolt. So, each day gets better for me in understanding how gullible I was, *laughs*, I can be such an idiot sometimes. The flip side is I am feeling the friends I have in world really care deeply for my healing. Mondy checked in and we talked a bit. Her partner of over a year, Alex Bristol, took me aside one evening to do a beautiful photoshoot. It’s here on her Flikr, take a look ..Truth In Beauty. ..
When the shoot was over Alex gave me a hug and she said something that hit me deeply in my heart. As I quietly hugged her she said ” The best is yet to come”.
I go forwards each day, and all that anyone who knows Kolt wants is her to be happy and safe. If she comes back I will be glad to know she was only hiding from me and not hurting in her life.